Wednesday, 6 August 2008

This comment is worthy of its own post

Old Holborn said:

Dear Sir

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1 - To make an appointment to see me.
2 - To query a missing payment.
3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact.)
8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

http://bastardoldholborn.blogspot.com/

9 comments:

Scroblene said...

I love that one Lils!

I've just binned a letter from my bank, trying to offer 'practical support and 'help with day-to-day matters like cashflow mangement'.

Having already met the 'Business Relationship Manager' before, (apart from the fact that I quite like her as a person, we even had a few laughs), I know damn well that immediately the air conditioning is compromised by a turdal flow, she'll pass me straight on to someone who hides behind a desk and spouts unpleasantness.

Lilith said...

You are "lucky" Scrobs. My bank only writes to me to offer me loans and credit cards and to tell me they are taking £30 out of my account. The only time they offered "help" was when I deposited the proceeds of the sale of my London flat...

Isn't it scary that the managers these days are only 17?

Newmania said...

That is sooo funny . Oh lord but I a laughed . Ina small way i try to rebel , when you eventually get served in the pub by a prozac zombie adolescent after tapping for about twenty minutes this is agood trick.

You take the drink and quaff it straight down. They are looking at you expectantly for the money but you seem to focus beyond them and after a minute or so you may say ... I `ll be with you shortly ... yes ...can i help anyone ?

Trubes said...

That's a 'cracker' Lil, I love it.

I started my working life at Lloyds Bank when we were required to take the Institute of Bankers Diploma before being allowed to offer advice to the customers,(who were always right)!
If a cheque appeared before the customer's regular pay/pension arrived we would inform the customer and request him to put a payment in his account to cover the cheque.
In the meantime the cheque would be held in a suspense account, so that we could balance the books at the close of business.
Of course, there always be someone who would take advantage of the'managers discretion', so then, a polite phone call from a qualified banker would ensue, advising of a small charge being incurred,
The cheque would then be returned marked 'Refer to Drawer please represent'.
It was quite rare for the cheque not to be paid and more often than not, there would be no charge for this facility.
Oh how I long for the good old days when we treated the customer with respect and courtesy....Long gone I'm afraid!

Hope all are well in 'Lil land' and hugs and stuff for the Pig dog.

Di.xx

electro-kevin said...

Bankers !

mutleythedog said...

Excellent ...very funny and absolutely real. I would have nothing more to do with banks ever if possible...

Lilith said...

Cracked me up too Newmsy. Old Holborn's blog is laugh.

Those were the days eh Trubes? I remember a time when I realised a cheque I'd written would take me overdrawn before another had cleared in my account...I would just ring my bank manager and they would say "no worries"...

I know Kev n Mutters. I have just had a letter from Lloyds, addressing half of my complaint, that makes no sense at all. They have kindly agreed to waive the £20 charge though (out of the kindness of their hearts, not because it was charged in error....) How I am supposed to contact them by phone they don't say....

Daisy said...

perfect!
gotta love a system that works for the consumer!

killemallletgodsortemout said...

I'm with Newmania on this.

I love playing with these (invariably scotch) twunts in banks, shops etc etc, and irritating them like there's no tomorrow.

You know the kind of (infantile) stuff....

Q. "What was the name?"
A. "When?"

Q. "Name?"
A. "Name what? Name a new baby, a ship, employee of the month? Name what?"

"Jerrwannabag?"
"Would you mind spelling that for mwe, please?"

Heigh-ho......