Monday, 28 April 2008

Conversation with my Girl

Me:.........3 minutes of well intentioned burbling... "And you can probably get a double duvet from Tescos, and have you got your paper work sorted for tomorrow, etc"

My Girl "Mum, I'm zoning out"

Me: "You are finding it hard to concentrate?"

My Girl "I am finding it hard to concentrate on what you're saying"

Me: "Is there someone else there?"

My Girl "No"

Me: Are you trying to do something?

My Girl "No"

I think I am slowing down...


Daisy said...

at least she is honest with can't fault a child for son did something similar a while back...i was talking to him about something i must have thought had some merit (as i have slept since then i don't know what it was, and it must not have been very important) son looked strangely at me and said (very lovingly) "mom, i know you just said something, but i have no idea what it was"...that is when i started to be more brief about the bull and left the lengthy convos for something that really matters...

Anonymous said...

Your children are not your children, they are the sons and the daughters of Life's longing for itself; they come through you but they are not from you and though they are with you they belong not to you.

from Shit Mysticism For Drugged-up Hippies, by Kahlil Gilbran, plc, man.

Way of the Sufi, man, it's like this really cool book, man, about life and shit like that, far out; a holy dude, this bloke. Got any doobs, man; any grass, only my head's all fucked-up, man, like in a really bad place ?

Horrible, selfish little bastards.

from Plumber's Big Book of Stanislavian Family Theory.

lilith said...

She is honest with me Daisy, which is very precious. Very good idea to keep the droning on for the really important stuff...

I am very, very worried about her at the moment. She is not studying, she is driving everyone nuts, and she can't sleep.

lilith said...

Actually she can sleep for England, but only in daylight hours.

Philipa said...

Hmm good warning.
At least your daughter tells you what's going on :-) so I don't recommend the sarcastic one word route: 'I know you have the attention span of a goldfish dear so... new duvet, Tesco, yes?? YES? Goood.. now let's try paperwork, ready, yes? YES?? well done darling' she might just not talk to you at all! Be thankful for small mercies I say - she talks to you :-)

lilith said...

Well, Stan, surprisingly for a hippy, I have never read The Prophet. Too many people recommended it to me over too many years for me to trust that I would enjoy it.

Many people get together thinking they are in love, push out some babies and then realise that they hate each other....this is Mother Nature's little joke.

lilith said...

Yes, Pip. That is so important to me. I stopped talking to my Mother at 18 months.

Philipa said...

Oops, hope you're being jokey Lil and I din't make a faux-pas - I didn't see that you were worried about your poppet when I posted. I suppose I just dread the thought that my little ones can't talk to me - I could always talk to my parents. My parents still ignore me to this day however.

Hope all ok with your darling girl and Lilithette - if there's ANTHING wrong or of concern then TALK TO YOUR MUM and if there's nothing wrong then talk to your mum anyway - every mum could do with a laugh and a chat :-)

Sen. C.R.O'Blene said...

Try semaphore Lils!

Email is hopeless between kids and parents - although it should be the easiest. Telephones are now mobiles i.e. talking to someone when it suits them on the move - not when they could do like we did with an old BT (white) corded telephone with numbers and letter, and have to plan about three weeks in advance as to when we would call, what we would say, how we would shout something etc etc.....

Glad you have those chats though, with Your Daught, I reckon I know who will be the first number to call if things go slightly pear-shaped, and I'd love to do that sort of thing with our's again; it really means so much!

lilith said...

No Faux Pas Pip :-) But I have not been close to my mum...we probably have the best relationship we have ever had now.

Daisy said...

lilith...i am not sure what is going on with your precious one and won't pretend to know...a lot depends on her current age, how she is doing in school, etc...too much really...sounds like she is a mid teen though and it might very well be something at the school which has happened like a tiff with a best friend which has her at this place...just continue to let her know you love her, hug her or give her those little touches we do to our precious ones just to let her know you are around...when she needs it you will be the one she knows is there and will be there...i'm not saying to ignore her but just give her some time and keep the love will help her get through whatever it is ...
btw i read the prophet in my late teens (all wide eyed and full of what i thought was potential)...then again in my early 40's...and it was totally has some good parts and i will say on the whole was worth the read but i took it more lightly when i was older reading it and had experience to go behind the words i was reading...

lilith said...

Thanks Scrobs and Daisy. Yes, email should be easier!

Electro-Kevin said...

I have the urge to babble so forgive the presumptions I make here. Take or leave the following as you wish, it's as though someone else is typing this for me.

By nature she doesn't need to be with you anymore. In the bush she'd probably have been off mating a few years ago, so really what you have here is a functioning, independant adult and she is probably starting to resent any interference. (She sounds like a great person actually, taking after her mum.)

The reality of her independance ? Yes, she could go off and make her own way - the quality of that 'own way' might not be as good as it could be and that's what you worry about. We all want it to be the best 'own way' for our kids so keep chipping in uninvited and end up resented.

I think you have to warn about the key things, these would be mine:

- avoid nasty (wo)men
- avoid hard drugs/heavy drinking
- avoid dark alleyways
- avoid unintended pregnancy
- avoid money sharks

Keep the list to the minimum stressing that a fantastic life awaits if she has the confidence and the good sense to look for it. Tell her that you'll always be there for her ... then close your eyes and let go and hope for the best. It's all you can do.

I'd also invite her out now and again for a lunchtime get together in a cafe - just spend an our in each other's company chatting idley about nothing in particular, keeping things light and treating her like a young lady.

Electro-Kevin said...

We're getting our boys to do their own chores as soon as practicable.

Washing, ironing ...

Not for any other reason than Mum and Dad are lazy sods.

Their 18th Birthday presents have already been bought. A set of matching luggage each.

Trubes said...

Oh Lilith:
I have 'been there so many times with your situation, can't remember all the reasons now but I nearly worried myself into an early grave.
I had three teenage daughters in the nasty 90's and, I was probably off my head with juggling hormones and work pressures, so, I can really empathise with you.

Has 'Lililethe' decided upon her 'gap year' yet or, the next step in her education? That could be stressing her out? Maybe, she is undecided. Perhaps, she may be frightened of making the wrong decision,; therefore thinking that she may somehow let you down, if she makes the wrong choice.

One of my daughters left school home, (encouraged by her father and his wife), against my wishes, aged 16.
She returned hme aged 18 went to College,( whilst we supported her), achieved HND in Business and Finance. She now has a good job that she enjoys, a lovely 2yr old Daughter and is getting married next year to her fiancè.

But, 'teenage years' stink, IMHO! Just too much going on for them to deal with.
Daughters' are lovely, When they get into their 20`s, they're still a bit needy but, when they hi 30'ish they really become your friend.

Why don't you both have a 'Girly Day', shop and lunch or a bit of beauty therapy. Just a suggestion Lil.

I've done a new little post about a lady at the other end of the spectrum, hope you enjoy it!
Don't worry she'll be fine me1

lilith said...

Kev, very wise. She seems very young to me although well informed and smart. It is a transition and it is going to be uncomfortable.

At the moment she is discovering the consequences of procrastination and inaction....

Being a first born she has high expectations of herself, but she struggles with applying herself to her responsibilities...and she needs to develop OCD to counteract her hopelessness around the material something is lost or left behind/on the bus almost every day...

I love the luggage pressie. My girl is 18 this summer and that is a good thought :-)

She is not sleeping and everyone is tearing their hair out over her coursework...

lilith said...

Thank you so much Trubes. Worrying is poisonous, isn't it? I don't consider myself "a worrier" thankfully, and I believe in her and you are right, she will be fine. We just have to get through this bit :-)

Calfy said...

hullo mama
to show i am with it sometimes
Boris is mayor
I don't think it's been made official yet
it was 8-6

Calfy said...

I just read the comments
I urge adults to let go of The Prophet
EK, mama is desperate for me to reproduce and have babies a.s.a.p. I fear if I leave it too late in attempts at grandchilder it may come to force.
Thank you for the caring comments others have made.
I'M FINE!!! of course.
And after a lovely summer I am going to Syria to study Arabic :-)

lilith said...

Oh My Girl. xxxx

Electro-Kevin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Electro-Kevin said...

Well that told me, didn't it ! ;-)

Basically I was counselling Lilith to:

- express her concerns concerns only ONCE. (Lay off too much mothering and nagging)

- let go but make it clear that she will always be there.

- Treat her daughter like a lady rather than a child, stand back and admire her growing into one (chats in a cafe).

I'm not sure that Sarah Fergusson has the right idea in trying to be her daughters' 'best mate.'

Just to be clear - mine was a kind comment too.

NOW you can all let go of me if you want but I hope I'll be judged on other things too.


lilith said...

I don't think Kilod was telling you off Kev, rather that she was teasing me :-) I think she thinks your comments are kind too. And of course you are right x

"Let go" of you? No chance ;-)

lilith said...

You need fluffing up Kev too. I am not so bad on the nagging (although I stand to be corrected)'s the not being able to fuss her when she is poorly..or to do her essays for her or to make it all work out that's so hard.

lilith said...

And I wouldn't want to be her best friend, I don't think that works very often either...I want to be her Mum. :-)

Anonymous said...

The extensive souk and the huge Al Mayyad mosque are two of the most amazing places in Damascus. Syria is a beautiful country with lots of fascinating history and Crusader castles, Roman ruins etc to visit. Speaking a bit of the language helps of course, and I speak/write as one who does, but take it from me, the natives are among the friendliest folk in the middle east. In the souk, haggle lik hell (divide the starting proce by three and take it fom there)but if you can say Good Morning and How are you? in Arabic you will be invited in for a few glasses of mint tea. French is still also spoken, though not so much these days. Such a pity about the horrendous brutal regime they all have to live under.

Philipa said...

Kilod - pleeeease take a tip from 'Auntie Phil': don't be tempted to be a single mother. I'm sure you know many that have done a fantastic job but when things go wrong, ie. illness, abuse and poverty, life can be very difficult indeed. I know you don't understand my meaning of 'difficult' here but I'm sure mama can explain. On the relationship front - take your time and court. Get to know them, really know them. So many people marry a fantasy and wake up with a stranger.

Sorry if I'm overstepping the mark here, Lil, but you know I would council anyone to think twice.