Tuesday, 13 November 2007

Termination

I have lost blogging heart.

Three (at least) of my very favorite bloggers/visitors view me as a murderer and conspirator to genocide. I am not, but I had a termination. I am not going to justify what I did. I don't think about it much anymore, but when I do I know I did the right thing, however painful. This judgement that they make weighs heavily on me. It shouldn't matter. We are strangers really. But it doesn't feel like that, and I don't want to start again. Fare well y'all. And thanks for all the fun. It's been many, many laughs.

I will leave you with the newsflash that Ed Balls was starry eyed when supporters wrote his name in sparklers at a recent fireworks display.



50 comments:

The Hitch said...

OH LORD
I had a feeling this would happen.
Lilith Im so sorry if I have had a hand in causing you hurt(I have)
for a change I cant think of anything to say.

The Hitch said...

but see the damage a termination does to a woman?
Im so sorry as no doubt is everybody else.
None of us hate you, you did what you did.
Dont go away.

Lilith said...

It's been bringing me down for a while Hitch, even before your post, but thanks for that. I have no doubt, none whatsoever, that I would have had the child, had I had support from the father. As it was he disappeared (I wrote to him)until after the event. A good catholic boy for you. It was weird. He just stopped coming into work and answering his phone.

It was worse scenario for me to fail a child than to terminate an 11 week old foetus however counterintuitive it was to do.

The good news was that I stopped drinking Special Brew, and started taking responsibility for myself and my choices.

killemallletgodsortemout said...

Lilith - we all make mistakes and some of us make big mistakes and have serious regrets.

Some people, like you, have the courage to speak about them so that people like me, Hitch and others can form, or change, opinions. We can also examine our own consciences.

That was then and this is now. You can't go back and change things, but you can learn from them, and you can teach from them.

No one is in a position to judge, so acknowledge your courage in opening up on here and keep contributing. We love ya!!!!

The Hitch said...

two ex mrs hitchs have had terminations, im sorry Lilith.
I understand why a woman wouldnt want to be abondoned, my own father only hung around as he was scared of my grandfather, who then saw him off 12 months after my birth.
Ive been very judgemental lately and an all round prick, doubly so as I have done some pretty terrible things in my own life.
legal, but unpleasent.
Sorry to have distressed you, I have been making a bit of a habit of causing hurt lately . Its very easy to type something that others may find hurtful and think nothing of it as you cant see the pain in their eyes/faces.
SORRY

Lilith said...

Thank you Killemall. I don't feel courageous.

Lilith said...

Thank you Hitch. It means a lot.

Lilith said...

I like you, you see.

killemallletgodsortemout said...

And we all like you, and that great big fuck off snake you are wearing.

Giss a smile!!!

Daisy said...

lilith...i didn't get the impression anyone was hating on you...it is a very emotional issue for everyone as it brings in so many values/morales/beliefs we all hold and it is hard to see another way...that is why i said i couldn't make the decision for another and would not want to be asked to...i cannot imagine being in your position as i haven't but i can sympathize with your plight...i hope there wasnt anything i said that hurt you in any way...while i like being cheeky at times, i don't prefer to hurt anyone...and to be honest i have quite enjoyed your posts and look forward to seeing them...

Kitty said...

I'm sorry you feel the need to justify your actions to other people baby.

I am married (nearly 5 years) and have two boys. If I got pregnant again it would be an unplanned accident. I would have an abortion in two seconds flat. I don't want any more children and I won't have any more children.

Perhaps the people who view abortion as genocide and murder shoule commence donating half their yeary income to supporting all the single mothers struggling to bring up unwanted children without a contributing partner. Donate their weekends being a surrogate Father Figure perhaps, if they are so concerned about the lives of others.

Kitty said...

Sorry for the typos poppet - I'm half asleep...

True Blue said...

Lilith: I am F`ing furious that you should allow Hitch to make you feel as you do ! It wasn`t so long ago that I fell out with him for posting abusive stuff about Gerry Halliwell`s baby daughter !

Question for Hitch... What`s the difference between aborting an unborn child and abusing a born child, who happens to have a famous mother ? The way you posted about that child was vindictive and vile as I told you, at the time.

electro-kevin said...

Well you'll have to be furious with me too, Trubes. I'm one of the three.

Sometimes I think there for the grace of God go I. But on the other hand I knew that if any of my girlfriends fell I would have married them (if they would have had me). I would have at least done my bit.

I was so petrified of an unplanned pregnancy, Kitty, that I had a rather painful sterilisation.

I now understand why you've not been visiting so much, Lilith and I've really missed you. REALLY missed you.

I knew about your termination and didn't twig that you were upset so I'm very sorry.

I don't judge or reject people on this issue (unless they do it routinely and repeatedly without thought - then they're scum). Mrs E-K had a termination before she met me.

It doesn't stop me from thinking it's wrong and I despise blokes who abandon young children. It would be cowardly of me to skirt around issues for fear of hurting friends - this would limit my blog and make it pointless.

I want you back, Lilith. Wholehearted and happy like you were before.

Love and hugs

Kevin

xxx

PS, How could any man ever abandon you ? He was a fool. A damnable fool.

Lilith said...

Daisy, it has been hard to read such passionate contempt for women who have terminations and the medics that perform them. I work from my heart and took the abstract judgements personally, because I care about Hitch, E-K, Newmania and I care what they think of me. It made our connections feel fraudulent. Impossible. Because of the truth of who I am and what I did. Hitch is right, it does damage women. But I believe it is damage limitation. I could not bear to fuck up a kid because I did not have the resources (mental, material, physical) to parent him/her properly.

Kitty, poppet, thank you. It was the hardest thing I ever did. Best avoided. Everything in my body said, "Wey Hey!" but everything else, EVERYTHING else, said "Oh, NO, no WAY!"

Hitch has been very sweet on this post Trubes. He didn't want me to feel like this. I don't feel judged anymore. It's not really his fault that I do. It is hard to read such strong judgements and hard not to take them personally when they apply.


I'd prolly be a grandma by now, but I wish it was you I'd had a one night stand with, Kev, not a manic depressive Italian funiture designer.

Lady Jane said...

I feel weird posting on this.. as I am not part of your circle.. but I will - so hope thats OK?

This is a brave post you did, and I can see you're very hurt by what was said. I can also see that Hitch and others were truly not aware of the effect their postings may have on someone who's experienced an abortion, and that they truly did not mean to cause hurt. (It's not really in their nature, though sometimes I think Hitch has convinced himself it is:-)

I think the topic is getting to you on a different level... maybe its something that you need to let go of? You did nothing wrong, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You know that, as much as you know they did not mean to be thoughtless.

Feel better.. these are good men who would defend any woman.

P.S. I will just say I was a little hurt by the video of Mermaid/cat etc. - that seemed more calculated to me, and hurtful.. though I might have mis-read it. xx

Kitty said...

Kevin I get what you are saying, but my husband has decided that he does not want to be sterilised in case we divorce or I die and he cannot have more children with a new wife.

electro-kevin said...

BTW

The sparklers picture is one of the funniest I've seen after such a sad post.

It goes to show, you can't take the heart out of a true blogger ;-)

Daisy said...

lilith...i don't really know E-K or Newmania that well at all but i do know hitch and have for years...i can honestly say that he does not intentionally go out to hurt people and in the time i have known him...he has hurt me, yes...but never intentionally which is what i believe is the difference and why we still remain friends all these years...he has helped me through things which at the time were breaking me and been a strength to me i cannot describe...so please give this a reconsider...as i don't think there was anything intentional and i do not believe for a moment you would be judged with the situation you were in whatsoever...

Hitch...i am sorry i know you can speak for yourself...however you know how i feel and well americans are known for letting it rip...

Lilith said...

Lady Jane, If you are fond of someone and they utterly censure a "choice" you have made then I think it is natural to imagine that, if they knew, they would despise you. They were saying what I did was murder and genocide. I know it wasn't.

I am sorry about the Mermaid post. It didn't get any laughs anyway. It wasn't calculated to hurt. Any more than posting Hitch as Queen Victoria, or E-K as Competitive Dad was calculated to hurt. I think Mermaid is lovely and I admire her hugely. I am a piss taker and generally use myself as a subject. I will delete it as soon as blogger will let me sign in.

Lilith said...

And I do feel better, thanks LJ :-) I know they are good men.

Ed said...

DON'T GO!

Who will post amusing jibes about Ed Balls and his spherical friends?

Just because some of your readers are insensitive souls doesn't mean you should give it up! At least keep us up to date with your beautiful puppy.

fuchsia groan said...

Lilith, Nooooooo!
Very few women would condemn you, there but for the grace of God go all of us. I have supported a friend through a abortion. She was already a single mother and her boyfriend wanted out of the relationship. Pressure was brought to bear from both him and his parents. People should think before they rush to hurtful judgement.
Don't go sweetie. Pretty please.

Lady Jane said...

I would argue that opinion, not take umbrage - as Killem said, this is a place where we can all learn from each other:-)

I'm glad (you feel better) and yes.. I knew I had probably mis-read the cat video..;-)

Best wishes, and I hope to still see you and your lovely snake around the place!

Philipa said...

I know where you're coming from Lilith, I understand and will be here if you change your mind and want to resume - guest on my blog if you want any day of the week - take some time out, the welcome mat at my place has no sell-by date and I'll be checking in just in case you do change your mind.

It doesn't matter if you've never met these people, judgements hurt, words hurt, as you say, especially from people we like and admire. It is NOT your fault that your feelings are hurt, that's like saying it's your fault you have feelings. It would be more appropriate to say to those who have hurt you 'think before you condemn others' or 'tread softly friend because you tread on my heart'.

But you have their heartfelt apology and I'm sure that means a lot so I hope you change your mind dear Lilith, whom I admire so very much x

mutleythedog said...

The Hitch says many nasty things which he often doesn't even mean. No one in their right mind would dream of judging you as they have no idea of your circumstances. I for one would be very sorry if you went and I loved the firework display. Very funny. I hope you are OK...

idle said...

The problem with this blogging lark is the temptation to get heavy and pour one's heart out. A temptation, as you know, that the shallow and vapid idle blog has always resisted, when it ever gets round to posting anything.

If you have copped flak from one or two insomniac laptop-botherers, so bloody what? Since when did any of them - or us - have any higher reputation for sanity, rational thought, or morality than the rest of the shower who populate our corner of the blogosphere?

My interest in the lilith blog relies upon being able to make the odd rude comment about that funny-looking pooch of yours, discover what my family's neighbours near Bruton get up to, and offer wine investment advice, without ever actually providing it. This very limited involvement with the medium has mostly amused me, on the 20 minutes each day I tend to spend on it.

I hope you stay, but if you do go away for a bit, I hope the guilty parties will wear hair shirts and eat crow.

Tuscan Tony said...

You have 100% support from Tuscany, Lilith. We're all entitled to our opinions, and blogging is a fun sport, but sometimes hurtful things are said. If it helps in any way I hurt The Hitch quite badly and quite uinintentionally a few weeks ago, on a subject that I thought fun and fair game, but he didn't. I will not address the hurtful issue again, and he knows that (we correspond via regular *hostile* ;->> emails).

I also second every word idle wrote. He is a decent man and is a friend of an old friend (in real life), so can be vouched for (sort of!).

I think I have a solution - I will discreetly insert some potent laxative (a la Wedding Crashers) in Hitch's prawn cocktail when I lunch with him later this month.

Lilith said...

Such sweet posts here! Such a long day at work. My job tells me that everyone faces huge challenges. Courage is everywhere.

I am glad i posted this. If Hitch and Electro had explained that they did not regard women who terminated their pregnancies as Murderers I would not have been so downhearted. It is quite a thing to state that abortion is evil/murder/genocide.

No woman wants it. Not many would have a surgical procedure more than once.

It IS an emotive issue. But I felt a fraud commenting on E-K and Hitch's blog given their stated opinions.

Thank you for all the sweet comments and funny comments. I can't give up now, now can I?

idle said...

No, indeed, lil.

Damn the torpedoes.

Tuscan Tony said...

Good girl, Lilith, and now back to what life's all about - some cautic postings of the usual Lilith standard of the Ed Balls flamer, I hope!!!

Lady Jane said...

Good decision! ;-) (and thank you for letting me contribute)

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

I hope you are not thinking of doing a HITCH FLOUNCE! Do not terminate, do not terminate! Oh Lilith! After that firework display you must stay!

killemallletgodsortemout said...

Well done, Lilith.

Shoulders back, Chin up and smile.

The Hitch said...

Lilith
we still adore you (+:
You are beautiful and have the most peculiar looking dog in the world .
Nick (+:

Scroblene said...

Sorry to have arrived so late here Lilith...

Just take your time eh? There's no rush, and you can always come to The Estate as someone else to see Doris and co!

Hope to see you here again, you've got more friends than you realise!

Nick Drew said...

what Scrobs said

good decision, Lilith!

fuchsia groan said...

Hurrah! Lilith is saved for the nation :-)

electro-kevin said...

Your labels to this post were Core Values & Core Beliefs ...

Well how about this from the Cores ?

What can I do to make you love me ?
What can I do to show I care ?
what can I do to make you feel this ?
What can I do to get you there ?

So sorry, Lilith

mary jane rotten-crotch said...

Yo ! Wassup, folks ? I heard we gotta man down so thought I'd pop by and improve morale by getting these comments up to the big Four Zero !

mary jane rotten-crotch said...

The three Amigos are wankers anyway ! I dunno what the fuss is about.

Lucien Modo said...

Keep in touch old friend

Tuscan Tony said...

I see E-K is in full James Blunt mode this morning.

Philipa said...

That's the spirit Lil :-)

Lilith said...

You can stop quoting the Corrs at me for a start E-K :-)

Lilith said...

Thank you for all your sweet comments, again. I think we have straightened out a few things but I couldn't continue to comment on E-K and Hitch believing them to consider me a murderer. I like my friends to know who I am :-)

narrator said...

.... and they all lived happily ever after.

THE END

Elby the Berserk said...

EK sez "PS, How could any man ever abandon you ? He was a fool. A damnable fool."

A thought which oft occurs to me. Not that I mind, being the beneficiary :-) There's some fucking stupid men out there

Kitty said...

the end is miiiiiiine! i say that.

the end.

Jeremy Jacobs said...

Brilliant