Saturday, 18 August 2007

Wise words from the Hitch

"My advice is to stay away from any addict, whatever the substance, until they sort themselves out.
Taking it or kicking it is a personal choice."

It has been a strange week. Boyfriend's brother came to stay. On his last night he got drunk and started picking a fight with me. I wouldn't fight (the terms and references of his argument swivelled here and there) and he got nastier and nastier until I walked away. I looked at him and he appeared very much as the illustration above. The next day I was in shock and didn't want to be around him or look at him. I couldnt speak beyond "would you like a cup of tea?"

He impatiently asked me to "drop it" (when I had said nothing). He asked me why I couldn't "just let it go?".

Once upon a time, relationships were frequently more important to me than my peace of mind. Now, my peace of mind is more important to me than any one relationship. If I don't trust someone, whether I love them or not, I cannot relax with them, and life does not have enough years left to spend time with unpredictable people whose contempt for me is released by a drink too many.

I had thought us friends. I was completely taken by surprise. I had spent a total of three weeks hosting him. He was a charming guest. This was a week ago.
Now, to add to the trauma, he has sent several contemptuous, rude and unpleasant emails to us complaining that we are unforgiving, narrow minded, pompous, blinkered, whinging and, to crown it all, justifying all he said and did last Friday night.

I have been very careful to be clear with him why I have stopped trusting him and why that is not helped by his justification of his actions. And now he can fuck right off. Fortunately, he lives in America.


true blue said...

That`s an upsetting state of affairs Lilith. How did Boyfriend deal with it? Nevermind, just think who you both will be cuddling in 2 weeks time ! Yes It`s Hitch the Pig Dog ! So bugger Boyfriend`s brother, it sounds like he`s jealous of you both and your relationship.
He`s probably defending his vile behaviour because he knows full well he`s been an "Arse" and hasn`t the courage to apologise !
So roll on 2 weeks for baby Piglet`s arrival !

Mama Di xx

Lilith said...

Boyfriend is horrified and has cancelled his holiday to America with his bro, which he has looked forward to for 6 months.

You are right about Hitch the Piglet..two weeks today hopefully!

Boyfriend's brother is 50. Were he young I would have hope for him. I have known a number of addicts "recover", but they themselves have realised they have a problem, and actually it's quite rare, with alcohol, for people to give it up in preference to losing their friends and family. Around 3%.

Thank you Mama Di :-)

Bespoke said...

So he is an alcoholic is he? I have had my probs with the old booze but usually don't offend people beyond toilet humour! It does sound like he is maybe jealous of your relationship and drink and old man bitterness are the easy escape root. The ball is in his court now. If he doesn't apologize profusely - and mean it - then unfortunately he will have to accept less invitations to stay in the spare room! From experience if you give in they just take advantage again and the viscious circle continues! Sorry sounding like an agony aunt! Good luck!

Lilith said...

Hi Bespoke! Alcoholism is difficult to define precisely because it means different things to different people. In my book it is anyone who has problems repeatedly as a consequence of their drinking.

I don't want him here again. I can't even be in the same room as him. I have taken crap from one too many agressive drunks in the past and it doesn't pay to smooth it all over, because as you say it just happens again. I no longer have the capacity "just forget about it" as he wants me to do. I must have acquired an allergy to such behaviour in my old age.

fuchsia groan said...

Jealous Lilith, definately. I have a similar relationship with my brother-in-law. He hates it that I love my other half for himself. B.I.L, on the other hand, has to buy affection. Of course, it never works, and he ends up even more self-loathing. I have come to realise it is his problem, not mine. I have cut him out of my life, as you say, life is too short.

Lilith said...

I am sorry to hear about BIL Fuchsia, but glad to hear you don't take it. Jealousy was not something that occurred to me (although it occurred to Boyfriend) as Brother was so contemptuous and scathing.

Boyfriend's Brother has a penchant for young flesh, younger even than his daughter, and perhaps he thinks Boyfriend is mad, settling for a middl-aged crone like me. But, like you, I love Boyfriend for who he is, and I guess that is hard for Brother to imagine getting some of that from a 21 year old.

true blue said...

Lilith: Don`t you dare call yourself an "Old Crone" Boy Friend is with you because he Loves you ! Ignore the vile jealous people! I could write a "BestSeller"about "Bitches"
Reckon I`m a wee bit oldler than you but ignore and enjoy !

Mama Di xxx

Bespoke said...

Hi Lilith! Well so you should develop an allergy to this sort of behaviour! I too have had to put up with even worse behaviour from "dear close friends" in the past who deem it acceptable to drink weak lager yet feel the need to pursue needless arguements to sometimes violent conclusions! Your brother in law knows deep down he is in the wrong but because of the booze, pride, etc he will not admit to it. If he was a casual aquantience it would be fine but because he is your partners brother it rather muddies the water. I think honsety is the best key where as long as you, your boyfriend and his brother know exactly how you feel then there can be no underhand manipulation to the situation. As I said before the ball is in his court. An addict of any sort is their only source of a cure. As the cliche goes understanding and admiting there is a problem is half the problem! If he admits to his problems he has a chance. If he doesn't then things won't get better in a hurry. You can only do so much, he must do the rest so you and your partner can enjoy your relationship rather than worrying about him! God bless - in the non religious sense!

Lilith said...

Yes, Bespoke, that's how I see it. Boyfriend is very equable, and loving and kind, so its going to be hard for Boyfriend's Brother to convince his friends and family that Boyfriend and I are a couple of cunts that are not worth dealing with...

hatfield girl said...

Poise is that mysterious quality that was praised so frequently as I thrashed around having a go at offensive wives, their drunken pawing husbands, truly gothic rightwingers, assorted social oafs. But it only arrives as an unexpected friend when, as you say L, age has made self too precious to be squandered on people who can't grow up, or have been storing venom like snakes all their lives.

All families have immortal remarks and the arrival of poise produced one of ours: 'I saw X in the Market Square so I said Good Morning', 'Do you think he knew it meant fuck off'?

Lilith said...

I say Good Morning in just the same way to my agressive, rumour mongering, shit filled yard neighbours, HG. It saves adrenaline. Hugs to you for all you have endured and survived and surpassed :-)

Tuscan Tony said...

Sadly, Lilith I have given up on my relatives (apart from me old dad), they are - to a (wo)man - the sort of people I have spet the last 42 years avoiding.

Lilith said...

As they say TT, you can't choose your family, TT but you can choose your friends. Thank god! Poor Boyfriend feels alternately bereived/incensed/astonished. He says "I have lost a brother."